I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Randomize
