matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
