Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
This house was built for laser tag.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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