so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
