I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
