dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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