i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
