im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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