Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
