Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
