Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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