he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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