I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
so that wasnt chicken after all
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
