Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
