Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
