FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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