my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
