Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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