Can i not drive my cunt home
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
