Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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