you traded sex for a burrito?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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