apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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