this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
