Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
