oh god the rape fog is back!
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
