im about as happy as oj after his trial
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
