He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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