What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
