Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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