I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
