There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Randomize
