Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
