i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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