Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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