My cat gives me a boner
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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