I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
