in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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