tequila makes me forget i have legs
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
