I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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