I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
