You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
