Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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