mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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