Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
