Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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