So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
