Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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