I'm going to jail i love you
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Randomize
