we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
