Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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