new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
