my vag is so smooth its legendary
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
