I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
