he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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