mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
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