and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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